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Dear Ms. Netiquette,
You always seem to be “spot on” when providing etiquette advice so I hope you can help me understand if something I did was considered rude or not.
I had a friend that just purchased a new (not brand new but new to her) van and I had told her congratulations and I was happy for her but then said that I bet that sucks gas and might be hard on her pocketbook.
I just considered it friendly conversation but someone else said, “way to burst her bubble”. I do not know this other person that was a friend of my friend and thought she was just teasing me so I added, “I did say ‘congratulations’ but if you know me then you know that I say it like I see it… LOL”.
Her friend then says directly to her, “Well, I just thought that was rude of her to say something nice and immediately follow it by something negative. It lessens her good news and makes her hard work seem worthless.” I then decided to butt out of the conversation, but just added that I didn’t mean any offense and I just thought I was having a polite conversation and then left.
My friend did state she was not offended and that she likes the fact that I am an honest person and “say it like it is”. We have been friends for at least 15 years, so I know that she really meant that I did not offend her and I am not worried I will lose her friendship.
However, it did really hurt my feelings and I would really like to know if that is considered rude to say something negative when my friend was obviously overjoyed.
Can you please shed some light on this conversation? I don’t want to offend anyone in the future if it truly is hurtful.
Tellin’ it Like it Is
| Dear Tellin’ it Like it Is, Well, it does sound like you and she have a unique relationship, so she’s probably used to you “saying it like it is” and it sounds like she’s assured you that she’s not offended. But, for the sake of etiquette, let’s think about this from the perspective of the person who just made the purchase. Let’s put you in her shoes for a moment. You’re excited about your new van, it’s likely you were fully aware that it would guzzle gas, but you decided to buy it anyway. How would you feel if a friend said: “Congratulations, but I bet it’s going to suck gas and be tough on the pocketbook”? Most of us would feel a little defensive. I don’t know her financial state or if she’s the type of person who makes bad purchasing decisions, but unless that purchase has a direct effect on you, it’s not your place to question it. When someone buys a van, there’s usually a good reason for it. Of course, if she’s super happy about the purchase, your comment probably had little effect on her mood. But if it was a purchase that is going to cause her stress, you may have inadvertently added to it, however briefly. In the future, I would advise you to focus on the positive when someone is excited about a new purchase or an event in their lives. Before you go, I would like to commend you on your “butting out” of the conversation when you did and contacting your friend about it later. You likely prevented an argument, and you obviously do care deeply about your friendship. |
Hi Ms. Netiquette,
I enjoy Pogo a lot and have been a member for 6 years. There is just one thing that bothers me. I enjoy playing Spades with people but some get very angry and call people names. One lady called my partner “dumb FB” and this really bothers me. I was almost ready to cancel Pogo as it is very disrespectful to people. Upon reporting them I was told to block them, but that is not fair.
I believe they should be suspended and not allowed to play for at least a week. Clean up the games and get some respect for older people.
Thank you,
Dislike Disrespect
| Dear Dislike Disrespect, I’m sorry you experienced Pogo players acting disrespectfully. Unfortunately, running into rudeniks and ne’er-do-wells is something that does happen from time to time. And it’s not just on Pogo – it’s anywhere on the net where social activity takes place. Unfortunately, the onus is on each of us to deal with these less-than-polite people. You can report them, and if abuse is apparent, they often do suffer a suspension (or worse – some lose their accounts). Ultimately, when we tell you what tools you have at your disposal, it’s for the betterment of your own experience. We don’t know when someone is going to be rude, so we can’t prevent them from acting up. When we advise you on the mute and the ability to block, it’s so that you can take control of the situation and so that you don’t have to put up with the abuser’s misdeeds any further. |
Dear Ms Netiquette,
I am one who looked with disdain on people who used wheelchairs in stores when I thought that they all looked so healthy! Well, the worm has turned. I am now handicapped and must use a walker. I don’t use the store chairs as I use my walkers “bottom” as a cart. But I now have a healthy respect for people who have to use them.
I look very healthy and really am, just have bad knees and hips and cannot stand without help for only a few minutes. So, I had to pull my foot out of my mouth and I learned a good lesson.
Thanks,
Feet Taste Funny
(P.S. I am 75 years old, and feel 20)
| Dear Feet Taste Funny, I love your letter for many reasons. First, it’s always so wonderful to hear from people who have grown more understanding through experience. Secondly, I love that at 75 you’re still open to changing. And, finally, that your letter is another wonderful example of looking at a situation from another perspective. Thank you so much for sharing. And speaking of sharing, I would be remiss if I did not give a big huge shout out to all of our wonderful veterans (here in the US, and everywhere else in the world). Your sacrifices have been great, your reward little, but your honor magnanimous. Thank you. |
Have an etiquette question for Ms. Netiquette? Email msnetiquette@pogo.com
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