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Dear Ms. Netiquette,
Boy do I have a problem for you. I am just at a lost as to what to do. And really this is such an odd thing sometimes I wonder if I stepped into a bad episode of The Twilight Zone.
I have been a Pogo member for 5 years and love it. I also work full time. I just went back to work after a long maternity leave. Well, at my work I work closely with a couple women. One is a bit older and she is quite nice, we have lunch together and socialized a lot before I left for maternity. Nothing outside of work though.
Well, the night before I had to go back to work I was on Pogo and just finishing up one of my Badges when two people in the room began talking. They seemed to know each other intimately, if you know what I mean. These two were flirting and being a bit awkward, but I was in a uncensored room so the talk didn’t bother me much. Suddenly the woman started complaining about her husband, which made me guess that the man she was chatting cozily with on Pogo is not her husband.
She was saying such awful things about her husband like “The big butt is actually going to do some work”. Well, really I don’t want to repeat too much but that is very much cleaned up and she kept going on how horrible he is, and all that.
Eventually some people in the room started to tell this woman to get out and stop flirting with a man that was obviously not her husband. She did leave the room with not much fuss.
The next day at work my co-workers all welcomed me back and after getting to work, my co-worker with whom I share a desk and a computer, informed me that she, too, was on Pogo and I joked and told her not to get caught by our boss. She just laughed, and I told her I didnt know she was on Pogo as well, that I would need to add her as a friend. Well, here is the kicker… my coworker is that woman from the chat room!
She wrote down her Pogo name and I was floored… I think I stared at it for a while with my mouth open because she asked me if I was ok…
Now I am just at a lost. I can’t even look at this woman in the eye anymore. I feel quite uncomfortable. The worst thing is that she invited my husband and myself to dinner. I really want to bring it up and tell her, but my husband says to just keep my mouth shut.
I never thought something like this would happen, what are the odds! What am I to do now?
At a Loss
| Dear At a Loss,Wow! What are the odds? It does seem like everyone at some point in their lives will have an uncanny coincidence, and this may be yours! You’ve got a couple of issues here, so let’s start with the most pressing – should you say anything? In what may be another uncanny coincidence as well as a first for husbands everywhere (kidding!), I believe that in this case, yours is right. Keep your mouth shut. He sounds like a wise man, so abide by his advice there. Saying something will do nothing but create tension in the workplace, and if your workplace is typical, there’s probably enough tension there already. Now, let’s talk about the more complicated issue. How do you, knowing what you know, continue to work alongside her? Truthfully, it might not be that easy, but you’re going to have to do your best to be as professional as possible and forget what you saw in the chat room. And whatever you do – do not tell other coworkers! You’ll be doing nobody any favors. As for her invitations, I can certainly understand why you would be hesitant to accept. If she invites you again, you might say something like “Oh, thanks so much for the invitation. I’m afraid my schedule is full.” With a new baby, that shouldn’t be questioned. And it’s not a lie. Your schedule should never permit you to willingly put yourself in an uncomfortable position. She doesn’t need to know that. And finally, this is ultimately her business. Whatever is going on between her and her husband is between her and her husband. Keep that top of mind. Seperate the behavior you saw online from the person with whom you work. You can’t be 100% sure it was even her to begin with. It’s possible that it was someone using her account, possibly with her permission, so do your best to push what you saw to the back of your mind and forget about it. And as much as it might pain you, tell your husband those three little words that make any spouse’s day: “You were right”. |
Dear Ms. Netiquette,
I hope you had a lovely – er – vacation – yes, vacation seems to be a safe word, as your last column said you would not return for a couple weeks. I’m afraid that in your absence I may have made a egregious error in online manners.
During the weekend of December 17-18, I was in a game room, and someone posted, “gl and Merry Christmas.” I replied with something like, “ty, gl 2u2 & Happy Holidays.” I usually stick with this remark during the month of December because there may be some people who have differing religous views. Some of them may celebrate Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Ashura, Bodhi Day, the Winter Solstice, or Zarathushtra (sorry if I missed any) instead of sharing my observance of Christmas, as this person obviously did. I’m sure I would not have offended this person my responding “Merry Christmas” in kind, but there may have been others in the room who may find offense, so I thought I was playing it safe.
Oh, dear. In my efforts not to offend anyone, I’m afraid I seriously offended the person I was addressing. She responded to my “Happy Holidays” with, “Where I come from, it’s rude to say anything but ‘Merry Christmas.'” To make matters worse, while apologizing, I may have come off sounding arrogant. I said I was sorry in one statement, then posted again with alternate ways to say “Merry Christmas” (i.e. “Happy Christmas” in Britain, or “Froehliche Weinachten” in German since the current Pope is of that nationality). Thankfully, others chimed in at that point to expand on those ideas, so I took that opportunity to sneak out of the room in my embarassment.
Ms. Netiquette, as there are several religous and secular holidays fast approaching, please tell me what to do in the future so that I do not stick my foot in my mouth again.
Sincerely,
Afraid to Talk
| Dear Afraid to Talk,Let me get this straight – you wished someone happiness in their holiday, and they told you that you were being rude because you didn’t mention their specific holiday. You were taking into consideration the people who may celebrate other holidays and she didn’t take into consideration that you might not share her faith and accused you of being rude. You, my darling, did nothing rude. Saying “Happy Holidays” is essentially saying “I wish you nothing but happiness in whatever holy day you celebrate, and if you don’t celebrate any holy day, I wish you nothing but happiness during this season of many holidays anyway.” How can that be considered rude? Now, I do understand that for many, using “Happy Holidays” in place of what is obviously Christmas is a turn off, and I do respect the argument “if you mean ‘Christmas’, just say ‘Christmas!'”. It would be rather strange to say “Happy Holidays” at an event where you’re celebrating the birth of Christ. However, there are many situations where “Happy Holidays” is the most polite way to wish someone happiness during the holidays. I do hope that you’ll remove your foot from your mouth, as it never should have been there to begin with! As for upcoming holidays – say whatever you would have said before having had this unfortunate experience. |
Dear Ms. Netiquette,
After reading many letters to you over the years, I have noticed several recurring themes. The following occurred to me and I thought that I would share it with you.
- This year I will strive to remember that I am not the Pogo police. Every time that I feel compelled to complain that players are having others complete Challenges for them, I will instead go into a game room and offer to help anyone who is having trouble, or just learning the game, with my time and knowledge. I will help others to earn Badges for themselves if that is their desire.
- When I am in a room with League players I will remind myself that Pogo is a melting pot of many types of players and I am lucky to be one. I will, if League players annoy me, wish them a good tourney and find another of the numerous rooms that Pogo so graciously offers me. (I might even observe a tourney and find that there are friends to be made among the competitors!)
- When Pogo makes site changes that confuse or annoy me I will remember that progress comes at a cost. Sometimes that cost is me taking the time to get familiar with the new features.
- I will say “thank you and “good game” when I feel that they are appropriate and I will not concern myself with whether or not anyone else does (or doesn’t) do the same. When it comes to manners, the best that I can hope for is to be a good example. I will try to remember that berating others for not using manners is NOT a good example.
- I will thank my lucky stars on every day in which my biggest concern is another Pogo player’s behavior. It will mean that my life is very good.
- Finally, I will really make an effort to do what I can to make Pogo a better place for others and, by doing so, it will be better for me too.
Thank you, Ms. Netiquette, for educating and guiding us. And thanks to the entire Pogo team for another wonderful year. Keep up the good work!
Gem
| Dear Gem,Wow! What can I say? Your letter is the perfect way to start the new year! Thank you so much for sharing it! |
Have an etiquette question for Ms. Netiquette? Email msnetiquette@pogo.com
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