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Hi Ms. N,
I have been in Club Pogo for four years now and I am so happy to have found Pogo!
My issue is with “being new” to a download game. I tried Word Riot, and entered a room and was welcomed by the people in the room. I said “Hi there, I am NEW to this game, so please cut me a little slack. I will do my very best, but it may take me a few tries.”
Well, one lady decided she would tell me a few things about the game. I carefully read what she wrote, and told her I would do my best to do what she had written. Then into the room comes a friend of mine. After I had been “clue giver” and having had problems with that – I really did NOT know or understand what I was doing – my friend greets me and tells me if I do not want to be a “clue giver” I can change that in options.
So, I do just that, and this lady who previously had been kind to me, interrupted and said, “She has been told umpteen times. I think she is doing it deliberately.” I don’t even know what she meant by “it”!
I protested, stating and emphasizing I was NEW. She did not care and my friend got angry and said, “Excuse me for trying to help my friend!” What a great friend I have… sticking up for me to someone who obviously does not understand what “new” means. As soon as my friend said she was leaving, I was out of there also, as I wanted to nothing more to do with the cruel woman who had spoiled the game for me.
I wonder how she’d like it if she was “new” to a game and someone attacked her for doing it “wrong?” How should I handle something like this in the future? Was I in the wrong?
I’ll never play Word Riot again….
An Upset Player
| Dear Upset Player, I can certainly see why you’re upset. It’s one thing to be criticized for being unfamiliar with how a game is played in a two player game by a grouchy opponent, but to be taken to task in a room full of game players is absolutely no fun. There’s really no excuse for that player to have turned on you. From my perspective, it looks like she may have gotten a little jealous that your friend came in and she was no longer the sole source of help for you. No matter her motivation, what she did ultimately drove you away from a game that, really, can’t afford to lose any potential players. I wouldn’t worry about questioning why she behaved as she did. Lots of people behave poorly, and we’ll never know why. It’s likely just a reflection on how they feel about themselves at the time. My advice? First of all, don’t blame the game. Understand that the more people you have in a game, the greater number of personalities, thus an increased chance of poor manners. That’s just the reality. Most folks will be nice, and it doesn’t sound like the rest of the players joined in her nastiness. If you should run into an ill-mannered person in a group game, I’d just ignore the one person. If other players begin to gang up on you, then I remind them to be polite. A simple “Let’s be polite” is often a short, inclusive reminder to those who are normally well-mannered. If that doesn’t work, then you may want to do just as you did and exit the game. If you like the game, and there is a small, but rabid, base of Word Riot fans, I’d find another room, and maybe even let the folks know what you’ve been through. Something like: “Hi all… totally new to this game and just got chased out of another room because of it!” That might help folks recognize that they need to be extra nice with new players. Also, you might want to post a message on the Word Riot Forums to meet other folks who love the game. Folks who post there tend to really love and care about the game will go out of their way to be helpful and welcoming. |
Hello Ms Netiquette,
When I join any game (one-on-one) I always say “Hi”. Quite often there is no response, so I figure they just don’t want to talk, and I respect that. But today, when joining QWERTY, I said “hello” and my new opponent responded immediately with “Don’t talk! Play!”
Having experienced this kind of thing before, I simply muted the player – but even though I don’t know this person and she doesn’t know me, it still shakes me a little to have such a rude response. If someone really doesn’t want to chat, I think they should just have the mute on all the time.
Having had my little moan, I have to say that a lot of people I “meet” on Pogo are friendly and open!
Regards,
Friendly Player in Spain
| Dear Friendly Player, Well, your new opponent certainly was direct! Not to mention demanding and obnoxious. Your opponent can’t have the mute on all the time, as there is no option for that. However, it is better manners to stay silent than to say what she said. The polite way for her to have handled it would have been to respond with “Hello, gg” and if you really wanted to chat a lot, she could have said “I’m sorry, I’m not much of a chatter” and left it at that. In this case, nobody would blame you for simply exiting the game and finding another opponent. It is comforting to know that most folks you run into are friendly. |
My goodness Ms. Netiquette,
Based on the forums, you really opened a can of worms with this letter (Letter from “Unsure What to Do”, 20/15/2010). For what it’s worth, I think it did merit your response and I agree with almost everything you’ve said. She absolutely should recommend that the friend get professional help (and in the manner you’ve already described). She also is absolutely not responsible for being this other person’s crutch.
A big difficulty with depression is that the person tends to bring others down as well. Anyone shouting that she shouldn’t “abandon” her friend fail to realize that she actually risks her own mental health by shouldering this burden alone.
With that said, I think blocking her friend could be a very risky maneuver. I actually would advise her to be forthright with this woman in the manner you already described, but to emphasize that she wants to talk to her after she has some counseling. This should be emphasized as for the depressed woman’s own good. She won’t feel better from a friend who is getting depressed around her nor will she recover by suddenly realizing her presumably trustworthy friend has disappeared. She will only heal from the guidance of self-help and professionals.
It’s not my area, but I’ve taken enough courses in clinical psychology and counseling to feel comfortable with this advice. So, to summarize:
- Yes, push her towards a professional.
- Don’t block her (my opinion… could be risky).
- Emphasize that she wants to be there for her, but it’s too difficult without a professional helping her. This should give the woman sufficient onus to do so. If her friend simply disappears, she probably won’t feel as compelled to seek professional help and may spiral down deeper into depression.
Just my two cents. Kudos for tackling a difficult subject (again, I think it was a good choice to do so).
Better Advice
| Dear Better Advice, Your advice truly is much better than the advice I gave, and I thank you very much for writing in with it. Obviously, this was a very difficult question to answer, and I did surmise from the letter writer that she really did care about her friend, but was not comfortable being the sounding board for her, and that she was here to have fun, not act as a counselor. From the letter, it also appeared that this was an online friendship, and the friend had been in other similar situations. But looking back at last week’s answer, and the feedback I’ve received from it, I went too far suggesting she block the player so abruptly. Your approach is a far better way to handle a truly difficult situation, and I appreciate you taking the time to write. |
Have an etiquette question for Ms. Netiquette? Email msnetiquette@pogo.com
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